How Do I Love You, Neti Pot

Let me count the ways:

1. You are fun to say - it feels like an exotic treatment to say, I'm going to go Neti now.  In reality though, you are really just a fancy, enhanced nose cleaner. Like a giant, wet kleenex.
2. When my mom and brother gave you to me, Mike had to tell me how to use you. His explanation went a lot like this: "You put the nozzle that looks like a Smurf penis against one nostril and pour water in your nose. It comes out the other nostril - and you won't believe the nastiness that comes out with it!" Needless to say, it took awhile for me to become so desperate for relief that I'd put a Smurf penis anywhere near my nose.
3. Amy Sedaris loves you, and anything good enough for Amy Sedaris is good enough for me. Conan though - he's still not convinced. You have some work to do there.

So, what started out as an annoying tickle in my throat last Sunday is now a full blown sinus infection, complete with antibiotics courtesy of my doctor.  I'm heading out on a plane tomorrow and am praying to the baby Jesus that my sinuses don't hurt the way they did on Thursday flying back from last week's work trip. 

Also, apologies to my fellow passengers on the Thursday flight. I completely realized that I was "that person" infecting you with my germy air and I did not take it at all personally that you all acted like you needed a sterile bubble separating us. But seriously, the dude sitting one row up from me who was hacking a lung into his hanky... you needed to be more worried about his germs than mine.

Drill, Baby Drill!

Remember back in school when you had mandatory fire drills?

I've been out of public education now for a few years (13, ahem) and haven't been through a fire drill in awhile. It hadn't really occurred to me that I was missing anything though. I mean, Manual was kinda ghetto - we had bomb threat drills in addition to your standard fire drills. And for about a 2 month period, we had fire drills every Friday because it was good times for folks to pull out a 2-foot long sheet of paper towels and then light it on fire. Yeah, we knew how to have a good time back in the '90s. Go Bolts!

So imagine my surprise today while type type typing away on my computer at my hotel, there was a fire alarm. Apparently these days, it isn't just a bell that sounds to alert your teaches to get you out of the building without losing track of students who decide to ditch class for the rest of the day. No, the Sheraton West Des Moines has a fancy system, complete with a speaker to announce the type of drill you are having.

Type type type... Loud, blaring alarm noises... Announcement to please leave the building calmly due a reported "incident" - do not take the elevators, please.

I'm always one to follow directions, so I left my hotel room with all necessary materials for my next meeting. I walked past some dude blatantly ignoring direction and waiting for the elevator to come get him. I found the fire exit stairs and got down 8 levels pretty quickly, all the while comforting the poor lady who was cleaning rooms on my floor.

Turns out, it was completely a false alarm. But it also turns out, I learned a lot in high school that can be applied to real life. It was a win-win situation.

Dear Peeps on the Plane

Dear People on the Plane with Me,
Since I travel just about every week for work, I've picked up a few things that make life easier on the plane. Please feel free to use the simple and helpful tips.

1. Board the plane when your designated boarding group is called. You don't get on the plane faster by huddling around the line to board. You just end up causing a traffic jam that holds up the whole process.
2. If you need to get into a middle or window seat and I'm in the aisle seat, let me get out of my seat to let you in. I know my legs are short, but it isn't actually more convenient for me to have you straddle over me to get to your seat. Inevitably, some part of your nether regions ends up in my face and that's just a little too personal considering I don't know your name.
3. If you get separated from your significant other in the seating assignments, don't get crazy upset because a) it is only a 2-hour flight and that's not really enough time for your spouse to fall in love with some dude from South America and decide to leave you for good; and b) in 98.9% of cases, someone will change spots so you can sit together. Yelling just adds unpleasantness to the world.
4. Just because you had a bitchin' weekend getting drunk in Vegas, the whole plane doesn't necessarily want to hear all about it. Your friend sitting two rows up isn't going to forget about how wasted you were, or how cute and sensitive that guy was that held your hair while you puked. In fact, your friend is probably really pissed to have to relive what was probably a crappy night for her taking care of your drunk ass.

Also, DIA, I'm putting you on notice. Your whole "Expert Traveler" and "Family / Special Assistance" security designation doesn't really work when the wheelchair line filters into the "Expert Traveler" security lines and not the "Special Assistance" line. When you are harassing an old lady who wants to bring yogurt on the plane in her pocket, you are really a buzzkill for the expert travelers. Oh, and we're the ones who are cutting it close to make our flights - most folks in the other line are about 6 hours early for their flight.

Thank you for considering these tips. Now please sit back, relax and enjoy your flight.

On the Bright Side

Will actually said that it might be worth if for McCain to win, if only so Tina Fey will keep coming back to Saturday Night Live to play Sarah Palin. That's some serious commitment to comedy!